God is good, even when Life isn't II

An addendum to my Oct 20 blog. God WAS good to me even when LIFE wasn't. The furnace in my house stopped working sometime last night. I have a programmable thermostat so usually on Sunday morning when I get up the furnace is already making the house nice and comfy. Well this morning it was 60 degrees in the house when I got up and no rumble from the furnace. Tried turning it on then off and then on again, nothing. So I figured I would need to call the furnace people 1^st thing Monday morning. I went to look for some electric space heaters that I thought I had. I thought there was 2 of them. I could not find them. Of course in my basement that may just mean there buried farther down then I dug. So I was a little bummed. Then I thought about it. What if this had happened a couple of weeks ago when it was like 17 degrees at night!? Instead of being 60 inside the house it might have been 40 or less. So I thanked God for that blessing. One other thing. I get the Target ad emailed to me on Sundays and guess what? On this Sunday they had space heaters on sale!. So on the way to church I picked up a couple. They'll keep us warm until the furnace gets fixed. God blesses again.

Rain!

God is good, even when life isn't

So where did You go?

Now my last post which was also my first post was kind of not the most uplifting thing. I have to say that I have my ups and downs just like everyone and I've been in a down time for a little while. Mostly it is just getting overwhelmed when I lose my focus on God. I do that a lot because of immaturity. It also comes with not remembering that I can't do everything I used to do. It is a lack of time and energy. Mostly though it's a lack of my better half. I hope you could see a little hope in my ramblings even though it wasn't a very happy piece. Anyway to balance things out I just want to say I am alive, God has given me another day on this planet. Although I often wish He would just come and take us to our real home so I could see Ev again, I'm still here so I know that's where He wants me for now.

Just celebrated my younger sons 10 birthday. Wow, he is a decade old. I'm sure ev is happy to see how well he is doing. She probably would want to encourage me to do better in raising both our boys. I can't believe how fast both my boys are growing up. It's kinda scary actually. If I haven't gotten my “good” influence on them by now it may never happen. B is going to be in middle school when it starts in less then a month. Yikes!

I'm wondering if the flashes of disbelief ever go away. I was praying with A before bed and I was praying that we look forward to seeing mommy again in heaven. It flashed through my head like I was looking at us in the 3^rd person and wondering who is he(me) talking about. There is just that split second of disbelief that ev is not here with us. It happens from time to time. There are several things that flash through my mind like that in the 3^rd person. They are all of course related to ev's death but they are a little different in their feeling. Sometime when I'm talking to someone about being a single parent, that same thing flashes through my mind, who is he(me) talking about. I'm just wondering if that ever goes away completely. I guess I know something that won't ever go away until I see ev in heaven is that pain of losing her, of missing her, of just not being able to see her. The real deep pain doesn't happen as often but it still does. And there is always that almost subliminally constant feeling of loss. I don't know if that will ever go away either. I think there will always be some of that in some form even if I get remarried. Yes, I have thought about that and I actually hope that happens. But I also know that it might not be what God wants. I would like my boys to have a mom. I also think that if there is another someone out there she will be really special to even consider marrying me. I mean a middle aged guy with 2 young boys. Not exactly on every womens wish list for the “ideal guy”. Even if there is another wife, ev will always be my first . . .

My pastor gave a good message about why God allows evil. God didn't stop His own Son from being unjustly convicted, tortured, and killed. The worst thing that could happen to Jesus God let happen, but if that didn't occur the greatest thing that has ever happened, Jesus' Resurrection and Victory over sin and death, would not have occurred. The worst thing that ever happened brought about the greatest thing that ever happened. And if I call myself a Christian at all then that is the one thing I believe. So if Jesus' death brought about the greatest thing in history then I have to believe there is good that will come out of ev's death. I pray that God will reveal to me the good of ev's death.

I've been working on this post for awhile so it kind of stretches over a few weeks of thoughts. The youth director at my church gave a good message this past Sunday about “Where is God when life hurts”. The answer, He's right here with us. We can't always feel Him with us but that's where our faith comes in. He has told us He will never leave us or forsake us. Now if I can only remember that...

Song for this post is “Never Alone” by BarlowGirl.

I waited for You today
But You didn't show
No no no

I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance, yeah
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

This is my struggle as I felt like this a lot over the past 2 years. I'm working on the “deep, deep reassurance, yeah” so it can be a “placed in my life”

If You Want Me To

One year, eight months. In some ways it seems like forever and in some ways it seems like yesterday. I had hoped I would be doing better then I am. I guess what I've read is true that if you have other responsibilities, such as small children then it can take longer to get through the grief process. But since this is a blog I should let you know my situation. To keep this fairly short I will give the brief version. In August of 2004 right after Mount Hermon Special Camp, my wife, Ev, had a recurrence of ovarian cancer. I guess I won't know till I get to heaven to ask her whether she was feeling badly at camp also but it was right after camp when we were still in the Bay area California that she let me know she wasn't feeling well. We made our annual stop at our friends, in SW Washington on our way home to Seattle. Our friend Ellen talked Ev into going to the doctor when she got home. She went to the doctor and the news was bad. The cancer had come back with a vengeance. Surgery was scheduled and the likely outcome was that Ev's colon would have to be removed. Surgery went well but the doctors prediction came true and Ev lost her colon in the process. Over the next 3 months there were ups and downs. I think I was just in a daze through it all. It was partly good as it allowed me to function and help Ev as much as possible. We were up for the challenge and we had many friends praying for us and supporting us. Less then a week before Ev died one of the doctors told us that Ev's body was shutting down and that she didn't have long to live. Now I was in shock. I wanted to be able to talk to Ev about things but by this time she was having a hard time talking. Between taking care of her and my shock it was all I could do to just keep going. Fortunately Ev was at peace. God was blessing her with His Peace and Grace. I wish I could have some of that then and now. Ev died on Wednesday November 17^th 2004 at about 1pm. I was numb. I was not at her bedside when God quietly took her home.  Some friends had told me to take a nap and they would sit with her. Ev had not been conscious that day and we thought her time was short. I spent a short time with her alone after she died. I really didn't know what to do as I knew that it wasn't her there anymore. I knew she was at last free of cancer and at perfect peace with Jesus in heaven.

So that in a nutshell is what has brought me to this point in my life now. Like I said I had hoped to be doing better by now. I don't attribute it taking so long to external factors alone, but I do have a few. I have 2 sons now 9 and 11 years old. My dad died about a year before Ev and my mom died 2 months before Ev. Suffice it to say 2003-2004 was not a good year for me. I don't know if I really grieved for my dad. It was a relief in some ways when he died because he had Alzheimer's. I didn't have time to grieve for my mom as I was taking care of Ev. All that I'm sure has contributed to a long grief time for me.

I think probably the biggest factor in my not grieving well is my weak faith. I know I need to look to Jesus for my strength and hope. But I haven't done the things necessary to be able to do that. The Lord was talking to me today during worship. He was telling me that I need to keep looking to Him every day, every hour, every minute, every second, every year until He calls me home. When I mess up, which I do often, I need to sincerely ask forgiveness and then move on and not dwell on my messing up. Learn from it, yes, dwell on it, no. I need to do that every day, every hour, every minute, every second, every year until He calls me home. I don't get to take a break from this. None of us that proclaim Jesus as our Lord and Saviour can. It is part of our job from God here on earth.

Part of my weak faith has to do with being lazy. Until Ev got sick I had an easy life for the most part. I think this is part of God's wake up call to me to get off my butt. I just wish it hadn't been such a harsh lesson. Being lazy makes me dwell on the “why me” stuff. I ask God a lot why did He have to take Ev home so soon. He doesn't give me an answer so I'm left to speculate. So I whine and complain to God that I don't want to live life this way. I don't want life to be so hard. I get overwhelmed by things I need to do and I just want to run away and I might if . . . I didn't have these 2 boys that depend on me. I think I have it hard. They lost their mom. At least I had my mom till I was 47 years old. They lost their mom when they were only 7 and 8. Fortunately my younger son doesn't really understand what happened to his mom. He may never understand. You see my younger son Andrew has Down Syndrome. He is a happy and energetic boy that loves everybody. I wish I could be like him sometimes and be able to let the simple things keep me happy and content. My older son does understand what has happened to his mom. At least he understands as much as an 11 year old can. Fortunately for him he accepted Christ as his Lord and Saviour February 19, 2003. He clings to the fact that he will see his mom again in heaven. I do worry about him though. He hasn't cried much, that I've seen anyway. I cry, get mad, just plain loose it a lot more then I've seen him. We've talked a little and he misses his mom but he doesn't show it much. He seems to be doing all right. He got through his first year of school as a 5^th grader. Ev had home schooled him for most of his life.

So am I just a basket case all the time. No. I have a social life. I laugh and enjoy myself at times. I have a wonderful group of friends near and far that are as close to me as family. They have been so supportive. My immediate family that lives close have been wonderful. I am blessed. I started going to a new church over a year ago that has been a real blessing both spiritually and practically speaking. I've read some helpful books on grief. I've discovered that there are a lot of resources for widows but not a lot for widowers, especially widowers with young children. Music has been a comfort, challenge, and an emotional outlet for me. Lyrics like

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone.

That's from a song by Ginny Owens called “If You Want Me To”. Something I need to remember everyday. What the heck this is my blog I'll give you the whole song. The wonders of cut and paste.

If You Want Me To – Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

Challenging for me to want to try to get into that mindset. Especially the part that says

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

I'd like to say that, that is my prayer. It's not most of the time. I don't want to be going through this fire. I'm a wimp. But I know that's how God works. Like the verse I mentioned above, He never said it would be easy but He did say He would always be with me.

Another song that has helped me to grieve well is by MercyMe called “Homesick”

"Homesick"

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

I do feel out of place without Ev here with me. This song has helped me understand why it hurts so much. Home is where my heart is and my heart is with Ev. I do ask the Lord to give me the strength to carry on.

Many more songs that have spoken to me during these past 20 months. I'll try to share more of them with you later. I'm a little nervous about just putting all this out there. But then no one may ever read this especially if I keep it private. Oh what a decision keep it private or make it public. We'll see. . .